Journey to Enlightenment and/or Knocked-uppedness

For anyone following along

2010-09-16T13:37:00.000-07:00

I know it's been forever, but speaking to no one in particular with no one in particular failing to respond kinda stopped being satisfying. I ended up joining an online support group just so I could have a two-way conversation. Yep, I got desperate.

But in the off chance that there's someone out there who might read this and wonder what happened, IVF happened. I went under the needles in September 2009, and it worked! I got pregnant, and now I have my sweet little boy. I never knew I could love something this much. I knew I wanted him, but it's so much different, harder, and better than I expected. He is what was missing my whole life.

And lest that sound like gloating, let me assure you that I haven't forgotten where I came from, and I certainly haven't forgotten those who are still struggling with IF. I can still remember the unbelievable pain of it all. If I can offer any advice, all I can say is that if you can do it, please consider IVF. In the end, it was not nearly as horrible as I anticipated, but it was an emotional roller coaster just as much as anything else in the land of IF.

I am thinking of you, dear nooneinparticular, and wishing good things for you.

Let's Get This Party Started!

2009-05-06T13:55:00.001-07:00

The RE had me use birth control last month so we could do some testing. The beauty of the month was that I got a break from the monthly cycle of hope and heartbreak. The problem was that I had yet another birthday (if you listen very closely, you too may hear my eggs withering and turning to dust).

But the month is over, AF is here, I'm rested, optimistic, and ready to ride this roller coaster!

Please Be In There, Sprout

2009-04-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

My dear little Sprout, are you there? I can't stop thinking about you. In three or four days, I'll know for sure, but in the meantime, I can't help but think it's not warm enough in there for you. I'm so sorry, honey. I'm trying. And I'm hoping. And maybe tomorrow, I'll see a triphasic chart and I'll stop worrying that you're too cold.

I'm not even sure that you exist, but I already love you more than I can say. And if you trust me enough to stick with me, I promise I will always try to keep you safe and warm, and I will always love you.

Does My *ss Look Fat in this Clomid?

2009-03-09T11:12:00.000-07:00

That's it. I've had 3 cycles of Clomid and my hiney is reaching maximum capacity. My clothes certainly think so. I spent nearly an hour trying on and throwing on my bed clothes that are too tight around my formerly thin waist (oh how I miss thee!) and my expanding childbearing hips (that, ironically, is failing to bear me some children).

But it occurs to me that I have been blaming my fertility meds and not the stress eating of breakfast cupcakes for my girth. No more! Since starting TTC, I've already given up caffeine (sorta if you don't count the mountain of chocolate I've started consuming) and alcohol (although yesterday at the grocery store, I nearly licked the side of a case of Blue Moon...yes, I miss thee as well!). With Denise Austin as my witness, I shall eat better and exercise regularly!

I'm a Former Canadian from Iowa, and Apparently, I Don't Speak the Language Here.

2009-02-19T10:47:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at work, trying desperately to avoid actually working, so I try to seek solace from my fellow fertility-challenged ladies, but I'm having difficulty understanding the language. There are acronyms everywhere! If you too are unable to avoid work because the forums are filled with letters that spell no word in the english language, hopefully this list will help (I will edit this post as I come across more, but if you are out there (I'm still not certain that I'm not talking solely to myself), feel free to add to the list!):

TTC: I've got this one down. Trying To Conceive. Or Taking Two Centuries. Either one applies.

BFN: I think this means Big Fat Negative with regards to pregnancy tests (personally, I'd be more inclined to call it a Big Friggin' No[way you're ever gonna be a mama], but a lady shouldn't speak that way. Especially not one trying to get knocked up. Shiiit.).

BFP: Booyah, F' [you] People! It could also be Latin for Sorry Suckers - I'm Having a Baby!

Baby Dust: Meant to be a sweet term for good luck. But I really don't want dust from another person's baby. Unless it comes with that sweet new baby smell...

Forgive me, For it's been 8 Days Since I Last Posted. Also, I Had a Cupcake for Breakfast.

2009-02-19T10:28:00.000-08:00

I have only one question today: Why is time standing still? I'm on day 13, and I'm miserable. There's nothing to do but shag. And shag often. And while that might've given me some pleasure any other year, this year, when we're shagging for a purpose, I feel like a failure as a woman. Add some Pre-seed to the mix, and I'm a slip 'n slide failure of a woman.

This
Should
Not
Be
So
Hard.

I'm not depressed, but I am "blah" as I look agonizingly at the calendar that refuses to tick away the days. I'm gonna go ahead and blame the Clomid, but everything is irritating me now (driving this morning, I found myself fuming over the fact that the car in front of me had an annoyingly fast blinker. You don't get extra points for the blinking flurry, slow it down ferchrissakes!!).

Hence, the cupcake for breakfast - a little piece of joy in this ruthless world! (Okay, so I'm being overly dramatic, but WhatEver!) :) Next time, I'll try and find a source of joy that won't cause me to gain all of my pregnancy weight before I get pregnant... Or maybe not. I love me some cupcakes!

My Very First Post Ever!

2009-02-11T09:55:00.000-08:00

I used to wonder what kind of ego-maniac, attention seeker would set up an internet site to talk about themselves and actually think that someone out there might read it AND possibly be interested in their ramblings. It turns out that I'm that ego maniac!

I need you. And by "you," I mean the collective group of you who can fall into the category of questionably-sane-baby-seekers-who-aren't-pregnant-even-though-everybody-else-in-the-world-including-the-balding-guy-next-door-appears-to-have-a-bun-in-the-oven. I can't be the only person in this category. I know you're out there. And if you're not, I guess I'll talk to myself. That would be a shame though, because I find my ramblings sophomoric and blase, so I likely wouldn't have anything nice to say.

Here's where we stand today: After getting off of birth control pills 17 months and 26 days ago, my husband and I had been taking the if-it-happens-that-would-be-great approach to baby making. One can only do that for so long before noticing that everyone is getting pregnant or looks pregnant (I mean, even my cat is looking a little tubby in the belly - et tu kitty???! I'd even heard stories of mythical women who had gotten pregnant on accident! I don't really believe it though). Eventually, I got some specialists to take a look at my womanly bits, and my dear new OB/gyn finally figured out it's a progesterone issue and put me on Clomid. I did my first Clomid cycle last month, and after 5 pounds of weight gain (not an OUNCE of which went to my boobs), a week and a half of the unsexiest sex ever (for those of you who haven't done it, my first experience with TTC sex was comical), days of weeping in my car because that new Taylor Swift song is so sweet, and 4 negative pregnancy tests, the flow started four days late and I was crushed.

Now starts cycle 2, and this is where the blog begins. For those of you who have been TTC for so much longer than me and who have not resorted to writing a blog or kicking your dog, I envy your strength, and I'm here for you sister!